heart of emotion
by kidishcaresh
Summary: ALTERED CONTENT NOW LEAVE IT THE HECK ALONE ALREADY! Please read and review.


**Heart of emotions**

**Author notes: Atlered because CERTAIN people won't shut up about my lyrics! I hope you jerks are happy now! I'd tell you to look up the song people, but mine was the only English translation. I will send this story to Sharon of Moments Of Rapture and you'll be able to find it there. Just google Moments of Rapture to find her site where I use the same name.  
><strong>

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except the idea. Gundam wing belongs to the rich Japanese guy who made it.  
><strong>

I stare blankly out the window as morning colors the sky in hues of pink. You used to love that color. Turning to the calendar beside the bed I stare at the date. I can't believe it's been a full year. The clock tells me to get up and I do so without much thought. This has been my routine ever since that day. Life moves on in a haze as I go through the familiar routines. I try to ignore the pain in my chest as I look at the closed door next to mine. Nothing is in there anymore. You wanted it like that and I couldn't bear to look at it anymore. The old writers desk you would be sitting at every night, the comfy chair, the large rows of books that no one would've believed you to read...the much abused reading table...I wretch my thoughts away from that place and almost run down the stairs._  
><em>  
>The paper lays on the table. We used to fight over it. More often than not you'd throw in the puppy eyes and I'd let you have your way. I browse it but the words mean nothing...they only spell out your name, the pictures all are you. I don't eat...again...I can't seem to find the strength to. I just stare at the coffee pot that once again remained half full on the counter. You used to love coffee...you drank it by the pot fulls and even now I make too much of it. I just can't get it through my head that you won't be there to drink it anymore. I've tried so hard for my friends to look like I'm okay and moving on...the truth is...without you I'm nothing. I used to have dreams, but they seem to have been buried with you. Only a painful burning emptiness is left. It makes me want to shout and break things, but I don't. Instead I continue on and go through my routines.<em><br>_  
>So many memories. I slump down in front of the fireplace we built together and hug your stupid stuffed dog to me. How will I ever get over this feeling? How will I ever move on? My love how can I live when you're forever gone? I feel like I'm drowning in my emotions, in the pain. I can't forget you; can't move on...I miss everything about you. Your long braided hair, your beautiful almost indigo eyes and your humor...you loved the children at the orphanage...I can't even bring myself to call there...I couldn't even bring myself to go with you when you went to say your goodbyes to them. Most of all though I miss your laugh. I miss that laugh that was so full of life every day again and I miss you above everything else.<p>

The phone rings. It's probably Wufei to scold me for not coming in to work today. I've done nothing but sit here before the fireplace all day and yet I feel exhausted beyond belief. I can't bring myself to answer the phone. It too reminds me of you. Wufei will probably once more try to convince me to move out of this house...to start living again, but...I can't...not without you..._  
><em>  
>The phone rings once more. It's Wufei I'm sure. I ignore it still. I made up my mind. If it would bring you back to me I would do anything, but nothing can bring you back and I haven't the power to move on. I'm not Wufei, I'm not strong. I can't do this anymore. I can't wake up alone anymore or pretend I'm okay. I stare at the bottle in my hand. Just a few more hours my love, I'll join you soon. The phone is finally silent again. I open the cap of the bottle and down its entire contents in one go. I know what it will do and I know it will be too late when Wufei gets here. I sink to the floor still holding the stuffed dog. Your face is so clear, your smile...you...<p>

It's gone...I can't see you...Duo my love where are you...is...is this a mistake? Are you...I stumble to the toilet. Throw up, have to throw up...Duo...help me...

Darkness folds around me. Sounds seem far away. I feel so heavy. I see you again. I reach...why are you far away? Duo don't go...

Light...so bright...a face...Duo? No...not Duo...

"Am...am I dead?" I croak staring at the face in the bright light. He looks like an angel to me.

"No! You're damn lucky I got there on time! What were you thinking? The pills not quick enough why not try drowning? Honestly there are easier ways to kill yourself!" the angel yelled. His voice sounded angry, but eyes blue green like the ocean betrayed worry.

"Drowning? I...no...I didn't...I took the pills...I...wanted to throw up...I..." I murmured trying through the fog of medication to remember what had happened.

"Oh gods...you had second thoughts didn't you? You went to the bathroom to...but then...oh gods you slipped you never meant to drown yourself you just fell in." my blond angel sank down in the chair by my bed. Finally the pieces fell into place. I'd gone to throw up, I'd seen Duo and then his face faded and I panicked. I went to throw up but the medicine had taken effect already and I collapsed and slumped to the side. I must've fallen into the tub and...

"Did...you save me? How...why?" I croaked out wondering many things, but feeling too dazed to get out proper sentences.

"I live next door to you. I...don't laugh okay? I have this ability to tell what people are feeling and well I live next door to you so when I felt those pained and distressed feelings I kind of panicked and rushed over. I got there just as you fell into the tub; I thought you were trying to drown yourself so I pulled you out. Then I saw the bottle on the floor and realized you'd really been trying to kill yourself and I called the hospital. They had to drain your stomach and well...you've been out for over a month." the blond angel explained.

"I see...but...why did you stay?" I croaked. I would've thought that Wufei would've been there. Not a total stranger...well not total I suppose he is my neighbor.

"I stayed because I felt I should. I'm not sure how to explain, but I felt like maybe I could help you." the blond haired man said quietly.

I frowned.

"Help me how exactly mister...?" I asked. My voice was getting better and with the light not as bright as when I'd just woken up the man looked a little less like an angel now and his words agitated me.

"Quatre Winner. Your friend mister Chang frequently visits. When you were brought in he arrived quite distraught. While we waited for news from your doctor mister Chang told me of your loss." Quatre said carefully.

"And you think you can help me with that?" I asked skeptical. At that moment the doctor arrived though and Quatre was ushered out of the room.

After the doctors cleared me to go home Wufei took me home and Quatre was waiting there.

"Can I interest the two of you in a celebratory drink at my small home? Uhm please ignore the boxes? I've not had the strength to unpack them yet." Quatre said. I wanted to just go home and lie in bed with Duo's stuffed puppy, but Wufei being the gentleman he is accepted of course.

"That'd be great Quatre. Thanks again for everything. If you hadn't found him…I'd rather not think of that. " Wufei said warmly as he wheeled me into the small house next to mine.

"Think nothing of it. It was the least I could do." Quatre said pointing us to the living room before disappearing into the kitchen.

I let Wufei wheel me into the living room and looked around. It was quite barren. Three pictures on the far wall were the only decoration. The first showed an army of girls around a tall man holding a toddler.

"My family portrait. The first and last time all of us were ever in the same house at the same time." Quatre said smiling.

"The one on the left is myself and Heero my husband." he went on. I stared at Quatre in shock and then turned to Wufei who merely grinned.

"Yes, our Heero." Wufei confirmed. I rolled my eyes in annoyance and looked at the last picture only to feel like I was punched in the face. There staring at the camera was a meek looking Quatre being hugged from behind by MY Duo.

"That one was taken last summer when Duo visited me. He and I go back years. I met Heero thanks to him." Quatre said taking it off the wall and handing it to me.

Somewhere along the line Wufei had quietly excused himself and left me alone with my neighbor as I cried and cried over my lost love. Quatre stayed right there and suffered through a soaked shirt and broken dishes without bearing any sort of grudge because of it.

"He really was a lively person. Despite everything he lived every day to the fullest. I couldn't believe it when Sister Helen told me that Duo had come to her almost four years ago and told her he was dying…" Quatre murmured staring at the picture.

"He didn't tell me…I found out when the doctor called to confirm his canceling the scheduled chemo…I was so angry…and then he cried…I couldn't believe it…Duo never cried…Then he told me that it was terminal and the chemo wouldn't save him anymore…" I whispered.

"That's how it was with Heero too. It was terminal…acute and aggressive…in all it was 4 days between us finding out and his sudden death…" Quatre said leaning against me.

"I…I stopped because I couldn't see him…while I took the pills I could see Duo in my mind…then after…he was gone…I panicked and…well you know the rest." I murmured.

"Duo wouldn't have wanted you to die for him…Duo was the kind of person who loved life above all else. He would've wanted you to live long and find someone else to love." Quatre said.

"I'll never find someone like Duo." I whispered.

"And I'll never find someone like Heero. Still we could always be alone together." Quatre said.

"We could." I agreed.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to live a bit longer?

**Hope you enjoyed it!**


End file.
